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January 15, 2008
Mack was stabbed: An eyewitness account from Neal Holman.
At the January 12th CD release show for Attractive Eighties Women, Mack was the victim of an unusual attack. A glass thrown on stage cut his arm wide open, covering the stage with blood, and leading to a dramatic end to the show. Luckily, fellow Spider Monkey Neal Holman was on the front row and on the case:
The scene goes more or less like this:
I’m at the debut album release party for Attractive Eighties Women inside the smoke filled Earl. I’m a few drinks deep, a light buzz, but functional. The night has only started, as the band is just four songs into their set. They’ve never sounded better. They’ve never had a bigger or better crowd. The night is going exceedingly, shockingly well, for them, for me, for that girl with the giant fake boobs in the white sweater, everybody. And just as I’m having the epiphany “Wow, my friends are actually in a ‘real’ band. This is kind of--
There’s a flash of blonde hair, a glass shatters nearby, and three feet in front of me, AEW’s charismatic front man Mack Williams is clutching his wrist as what can only be described as “a gooshing river of blood” … gooshed forth, to his and everyone else’s dismay.
“Hey, guys, don’t fucking throw glass!” Guitarist Steve Labate promptly barks into the mic, just in case anyone was thinking of making it a Rocky Horror Picture Show type deal, but with razor shards of killer glass instead of delightful toast.
Mack plumps down Indian style, an awkward heap holding his wrist in a bloody yellow towel. Five people storm the stage to help. Labate is on top of things, “Just to be safe, is there a doctor here?”
A girl in the crowd turns to me, “Who threw that?! Did you see it?”
“Yeah! Some blonde chick just came up and chunked it at him! Right beside me!”
“You saw her?!”
“She was right beside me! Yeah!” I can’t believe it either.
“Ohmygod who was it? Ohmygod what’d she look like???”
More people turn to me. My mind reels. I could be the key witness. Shit, an hour from now I could be in a police station behind a one-way mirror picking this girl from a line up, where they’d probably make her throw a rocks glass or something of the same size and shape, you know for continuity.
“That’s the one, officer.” I’d say with an icy calm, glaring at Mack’s assailant. “Her, number four. I’d know that throw anywhere. –Now slap her in bracelets!!!”
And then there’d be trumpets and high fives all around.
I search my memory, playing the scene back, who was it, what’d she look like, she was right beside me, c’mon, who was it, you can do this, who was it, who was it…
I here myself sputter, “Uh… I dunno. Blonde? Like a red shirt or … I dunno. … Blonde? She was blonde.” I mentally slap my own brain.
For some reason, I find that I can’t stop saying “blonde,” like somehow that’s going to identify her in a room chockablock full of blondes. For God’s sake, the girl asking me the damn questions is blonde. I am the world’s worst witness. Carmen Sandiego has completely gotten away. God, it was probably a wig. She’s known for that, Carmen. An assassin in a blonde wig, probably a reversible coat, with a rocks glass and holy shit, holy shit holy shit- what if it was just a pretty dude? Could it have been a pretty dude??? Oh my God. It could have been a petite, pretty dude, like a jockey with good genes and a penchant for girl shampoo or something and I couldn’t tell. I have let Mack down. Am I that dumb? Maybe I’m just really drunk? Drunk… Yeah. Drunk, that’s it!
I feel like Ralphie and the ice cycle.
“I dunno, I’m kinda hammered, so… She was blonde? Maybe with like, boobs? Kinda?”
I wave my hands in front of my chest to further stress my point about the boobs. My unimpressed audience dissipates, turning to their own accounts of what happened, forgetting the not drunk guy with the pathetic sense memory.
My friends and I eventually get back stage to see Mack. A bottle of water in his hand, the smile back on his face, he’s fine, bloodied and a bit wide-eyed sure, but fine, with no arterial damage. Later, he gets seven stitches and eventually will have a Grade A Rock Scar.
But that’s how I will forever remember Attractive Eighties Women’s debut album. Booze, bar, blonde hair, lots of blood, mild panic, Neal has the memory of a goldfish, Mack’s okay, that girl is nuts, and the show’s over, good night. The end.
Neal
January 14, 2008
END MISANDRY NOW
Despite recently stripping naked for Sugar in the Raw, the all-time most popular Shelly-centric commercial is decidedly last year's T-Mobile Telegram spot. We recently took a look at the youtube page for this commercial and were surprised to see it had been viewed 67,000 times and had over 70 comments! The comments include the expected descriptions of Shelly as "hot" and "adorable," a startling accusation that the singer is a "looser," and a lengthy debate between Shelly's fans and a protective "relative" who refused to give up Shelly's name to the masses. Our favorite comments include:
nedlogamerica: "He he ... lol... guy in the suit is a looser"
Jaxster03: "omg. i thought that guy was a hamster, but my boyfriend told me that he was a bear. I felt so retarded. I think that a singing hamster is funnier than a singing bear[:"
BrooklynGangsta4865: "omg that's such a bad reason to break up
They look old enough why don't they live together???"
SterlingSolomon: "Stamp Out Male-Bashing! END MISANDRY NOW!"
And for those of you who do not understand the commercial, we have this excellent explanation from Nekrochik12:
"thats so freakin funny lol
she was all excited and it wasnt wut she expected lol"
But best of all, Rachel, Shay, and "Counter" created their own amazing version of the commercial. Who needs balloons and a bear suit when you have a plastic rooster and no lights?
January 3, 2008
Shelly: Naked
One day they're sitting in their crib, making wholesome sketch comedy, and the next, they're running down the beach, throwing their bikini to the ground, and skinny-dipping on national television, all for the sake of unprocessed sugar.
